by Hayley Doyle
Oh, to be 20 again…
I lived in cargo pants and Topshop t-shirts printed with Little Miss Naughty. I found all-you-can-eat Chinese buffets delicious, able to indulge in all-I-could-eat before hitting the town and dancing into the early hours. I found my Nokia phone useful, but agonised over trying to cram everything I needed to say into 160 characters or my text message would be split into two and therefore charge me twice; ouch. I loved a house party, but not before a gathering at my student digs to watch Pop Idol, cheering on the likes of Will Young and Gareth Gates. I queued to watch Lord of the Rings at the cinema and buried my nose in Harry Potter. Technology was exciting, interesting, but never overwhelming. It was fun thinking up an email address. Browsing the uni “intranet” provided good banter. I booked an EasyJet flight to Amsterdam online and it was…easy. I was optimistic. The British economy was relatively stable. I truly believed that if I worked hard and kept a fire burning for my passions, I’d make it. I’d make my dreams come true. Life was all about face-to-face interactions, phone calls and having a laugh with friends and peers. Downtime was reading. So much reading.
Sounds like I was pretty carefree, right?
Not at all. Doubt crept in daily. The struggle for acceptance was real. When you’re racing through your twenties, you know everything and know nothing all at once. You’re high and low. You’re chilled and manic. It’s exhausting. And if I could only go back and tell myself a few things, maybe I’d have danced more to Nelly’s ‘Hot in Here’ instead of feeling all ‘Complicated’ like Avril Lavigne. Here’s what I’d say to my 20 year old self:
1.You Are a Work in Progress
You don’t have to land the lead in a movie right now. You don’t have to meet the love of your life. Or see every corner of the globe. Nobody should have it all so young, because where do you go from there? What happens next? Strive for what you love, but don’t nail yourself down to a fixed agenda. You cannot predict how things will turn out. I remember being lonely, emotionally lost and living abroad my 20s. I dreamt of living in a cute flat in London, living a creative life with a family of my own. It’s a wonderful feeling to suddenly realise you have something you so desperately wanted once, and that you have in abundance. I remind myself of this often, leaving my (cute) London flat in chaos, rushing my kids to school and getting home to learn songs and write stories for my business. Every day is a challenge, it’s not idyllic, but it’s the life I dreamt of. And I’m glad it didn’t all happen when I was 20. I now have hopes for the future, different to those I once had, and it’s good. It’s okay. We are ever evolving and always learning.
2. Go Big on Experiences
As a young actor, fresh out of drama school, I remember being terrified of missing an audition. I didn’t go on holiday for fear of losing out on the big break. Looking back, I should have always gone. The travel bug did hit me, but later on. I could have opened my mind to much more, more earlier, if I’d worried less about the ‘what-ifs’. When you’re young and unattached, the world is quite literally yours for the taking. Go anywhere, do anything, and if you’re going to do it, do it big! I got the opportunity to work in Dubai when I was 28. This was not a place on my radar at all, and if this offer had fallen my way at a younger age, I would have said, No. But moving to Dubai changed the entire course of my life for the better, through ways I could never have imagined. So, embrace those plot twists like a surprise party. They're what make life so interesting.
3. Cultivate Resilience and Perseverance
Nobody goes through this life without challenges, setbacks, and shadows of doubt. Oh, how I wish my younger self would have known that our true strength shines through during these times. I vividly remember the rejections. Where I stood when I received a phone call that they’d gone with the other candidate. Or opened the letter that rejected my book. Or read a text from that guy, saying ‘can we just be friends?’ I felt like the world’s biggest loser. But it was in those dark moments, my resilience and perseverance did carry me through. I did get a great job in one of the world’s most successful musicals. I did land a two-book deal. I did meet my soulmate. There are times when now, I feel like a loser again. But there’s a quiet confidence that sits alongside it. I wish my younger self had had this too. There might have been less nights crying into my pillow calling myself a failure. Through failure we learn, grow, and ultimately succeed. The best is yet to come.
4. Make Better Habits
Because the future is about to create some habits you won’t like, but you’ll get sucked into! If my 20 year old self knew that I would doom-scroll on a smartphone device instead of reading a juicy novel, she would be furious with me. So, I would like to remind my younger self how much joy there was to be found in books. To never lose that spark for stories. To always keep a paperback in your bag and make it a complete habit to turn the pages every second possible. And find your sport. Your way of jumping around and getting your heart beating. Don’t leave it until you hit 40 and suddenly have to time travel back to the netball court or remember the rules for LaCrosse. Find a way to make your body move that you love so much, you’ll want to do it all the time. Prioritise your health because as soon as the cracks show, it’s hard to think of little else.
5. Self-love is Everything
You might feel great about yourself if you’re popular; everybody is your friend, inviting you to parties and laughing at your jokes. But that isn’t love. And neither is the connection you’re feeling with whoever you’re currently attracted to. Real love is about loving YOU. Take away everyone and every party and every stroke of banter and if you don’t like what you’re left with, you have work to do. Before seeking love from others, focus on loving and accepting yourself. Create rules and boundaries for yourself that make you happy, and don’t break them down to please others at your own detriment. Knowing what you like and what makes you tick will grant you confidence and self respect. As soon as you allow this to slip, you will feel unsure and confused. Stay true to you, always, and be the star of your own, beautiful love story.
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