I feel the familiar twinge of guilt as I say this; but say it I will: working motherhood can seem like a completely thankless task. Almost every day involves feeling like you’re either failing as a parent, or letting your employer down.
Add to that the pressure pile-up if you’re a single working mother, with no partner to share the load, and it can start to feel like a very slow, yet simultaneously frantic drowning.
FUN!
My friends and I who are in similar boats spend an unhealthy amount of time wishing and hoping we could win the lottery, despite not having the time to actually go and buy lottery tickets. But then if we won the lottery… what would we actually do? Give up work? I mean maybe. But work gives our life meaning, value, structure. It gives us social interaction, friendships and motivation. It helps us hang onto who we are outside of being a slave to our tiny masters.
If we could just get a handle on that ever elusive work-life balance, we’d see that being lucky enough to work is a great thing for most of us. The truth is that whether we’re working mothers through choice or through necessity, there are things we can put in place to stop us from feeling like we’re living every day on our last nerve; stressed and anxious and overwhelmed.
I’m by no means saying I’ve got this licked by the way. Hell no.
I’ve worked full time for the past two years since my divorce and ensuing court case made it a necessity. It’s been tough on me, and at times tough on my kids. But in my experience, there are ways to make it easier, so that you’re more able to be in the moment; either with your colleagues, clients or kids.
Here are the five things which for me, have made it slightly more manageable.
1 - Find the right job for your situation
This one is so, so important. When I started applying for full time jobs two years ago; it was in all honesty a petrifying prospect. Full time hours whilst parenting three kids just sounded like a fast-track to losing the few marbles I had left. It was so important for me to find a role which offered flexible working, meaning I could run my own diary and factor in school or childminder drop-offs and pick-ups.
My advice here would be to do your research on prospective employers policies on home working and use of flexi time, as well as their ethos and values. If you can, ask people who already work for the organisation whether they value their employees having a good work/life balance. Otherise read reviews online on websites like Glassdoor to see if you can get a picture of what it would be like working for them. What are their policies on carers leave if your child was ill? What is their holiday allowance, and is it limited during school holidays? Do you feel you can work to th constraints of an employer full stop; or would you be better served by working for yourself?
It might well be worth taking a lower paid job with better flexibility if you are the main carer to your kids.
2 - Say yes to whatever help is available, paid-for or free
It’s easy to see why lots of single Mums reject help, as sorely needed as it is, when it’s offered. You see, we develop an ‘us against the world’ mindset don’t we? And it can start to feel that accepting help means admitting we’re struggling.
Well: Newsflash… it would be really weird if you weren’t struggling.
Raising a child is full-on; you’ve heard the saying ‘It takes a village to raise a child’ haven’t you? So why do you think you can do it alone?
The thing with accepting help, and I’m talking about the free help here; is that it’s an act of love. If your parents or siblings or friends are offering to have your kids after school for tea, or to drop them off at football for you, they’re doing that out of love for you. I bet it’s what you would do for them if the roles were reversed isn’t it?
So say yes. Stop being a one-woman village and let the people who love you, help you.
When it comes to paid-for help, please please drop the guilt if you’re paying a nanny or a cleaner. Unless you find ways to clone yourself, you have to find ways to outsource the stuff that someone else could do. And if you’re lucky enough to be able to afford that then don’t waste another minute feeling inadequate.
3 - Get organised
OK I’m going to put my hands up and say that yes, although this is one of my tips, it is absolutely not something I am very good at putting into practice.
I’ve bought the planner for the kitchen wall (which I don’t write on), I’ve bought the meal prep boxes (which I don’t fill), I’ve bought the bedroom storage organisers (which my kids don’t use).
But… I know how much easier life would be if I got my act together on this. Sadly I’ve just never been that girl. You know which one I mean… the one from school who always had the smart pencil case filled with everything she might ever need, the mother who always has tissues and calpol sachets in her handbag, the one who is prepared for every eventuality.
No. I do a fine line in chaos, but a commitment I’ve made to myself for 2025 is that I’m going to stop flying quite so much by the seat of my pants!
4 - Delegate some responsibility to your kids
OK so delegation to your kids is largely dependant on their age of course. I’m not suggesting you ask your four year old to put the bins out and your two year old to make packed lunches. But in all seriousness, you’re going to need as much help as you can get to keep the wheels turning whilst you’re a single working mum. And why shouldn’t that help start nice and close to home?
I’m a firm believer that children innately enjoy feeling useful and that it will strengthen your relationship if you embed the ‘we all help each other’ mentality at a very early age, rather than just doing everything for them until their 16th birthday then presenting them with a list of chores now that they’re technically an adult.
Toddlers can put their shoes out by the door the night before nursery, if you show them how. Young children can lie their uniforms out the night before school, tweens can make breakfasts for themselves and younger siblings and teenagers can load dishwashers, unload washing machines and put the kettle on for their exhausted mama!
Looking at what they can do will empower them, giving them responsibilities (within reason and age appropriate of course) will make them more confident and independent. And empowered, confident, independent kids are going to make your busy life a whole lot easier!
5 - Don’t be afraid to drop some balls
Yep; you read that one right. The final tip is not to get everything right… or at least not to feel like you have to.
At some point when you are calm and don’t feel overwhelmed, look at the things which are continually causing you stress and angst. And wherever possible, let them go; at least for the time-being. For me, one of those things was my youngest sons gymnastics lessons.
He absolutely loved them… but they were three times per week, at times of peak traffic, and a 30 minute drive from home. After nearly killing myself to get him there for the first couple of months in my full-time job, I realised it would have to give.
Did I feel guilty? Yes, absolutely. Was he disappointed? Yes, absolutely. Will he be in therapy in ten years time talking about how his mother left his gymnastics career in tatters when he was six? No he will not.
If your kids are loved and looked after and safe… you are winning at life. And if holding onto your sanity means sacking off the homemade organic packed lunches in favour of school dinners so be it. If it means explaining to friends that you just can’t meet up on weeknights because your social battery is running on empty, so be it.
Remember that it won’t always feel this hectic. It won’t always feel as stressful or tiring. And you will find your rhythm… even if it feels faster-paed than the dance you’d like to be doing. You are doing your best Mama. And in the eyes of your kids, that will always be good enough.
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