How To Make Your Relationship Work If Your Love Languages Are Mismatched

I’ve been in hospital for almost two weeks now. A very nasty bout of appendicitis followed by a severe infection has meant two abdominal surgeries in quick succession, hours of almost unbearable pain, and a cocktail of drugs which have left me all kinds of crazy.

Throughout it all, my partner of two years has been by my side. The experience has given us both the fright of our lives and undoubtedly made us both more grateful for each other. But it’s also made me really reassess what I had previously thought of as our mismatched love languages.

The five love languages are a concept designed by American Doctor and author Gary Chapman, and he exerts that knowing which love languages you speak and importantly hearing the love languages your partner speaks, allows us to feel loved, valued and appreciated and build healthy happy relationships. Sounds peachy eh?

In case you’ve never come across them; here’s the skinny on the five different love languages and a little breakdown of each one:

• Words of affirmation - This one is all about verbally expressing your feelings for someone, usings words of appreciation, devotion and encouragement.

  
  

• Quality time - Does what it says on the tin this one; it’s all about undivided attention and meaningful experiences together.

  
  

• Receiving gifts - Individuals who speak this love language see gifts (big or small) as tokens of appreciation and affection.

  
  

• Acts of service - this one is all about actions speaking louder than words, expressing your love through helping, without being asked.

  
  

• Physical affection - people who speak this love language will need lots of hand holding, hugging and other forms of physical contact.

I would say my partner and I both equally value and demonstrate our love through words of affirmation and physical contact; those have never been an issue for us. But we do have different needs and expectations when it comes to the other three.

Up until appendix-gate I have to admit I had rued his astounding lack of romance… this guy does not buy flowers. Although he’s very generous and buys fantastic gifts for the big occasions like Christmas and birthdays… there are no little ‘I saw this and thought of you’ gifts. And I love those! They’re important to me.

However this hospital stint has made me truly appreciate the fact that his overriding love language is Acts of Service. He has just stepped up and stepped in, helping with all the practicalities, picking things up and dropping them off, keeping up with all my diva-ish demands (before I’ve even made them). I hate to admit it; but I’d rather have had that than a bunch of expensive blooms.

So what can you do if your love languages are mismatched? And could it even be a good thing? Well, research shows that even if you and your partner give and receive love in different ways, those languages can be translated so that both partners needs are met. A 2022 study published in Plos One revealed that couples who can align their love languages enjoy greater closeness and have more fulfilling sex lives… so it’s worth putting in the work right?

Here are five top tips from relationship experts to help your relationship thrive:

● Start your journey with a really open and honest discussion about your needs and desires. Focus on expressing without blaming and listening without judging. Remember that you don’t have to change or abandon your own love language, you just have to incorporate your partners preference too.

So for example, if you are a gift-giver but your partner needs words of affirmation, you can still shower them with gifts… just add a tag with some lovely words about how you feel about them.

● Dr Kristie Overstreet, a clinical sexologist and psychotherapist advises informal daily check-ins with your partner. A simple ‘How are you feeling?’ or ‘Do you need anything?’ goes a long way towards keeping lines of communication wide open. If they’ve had a bad day or feel insecure, try to remember their preferred love language in your response. Do they need a cuddle? Or to be told you’re proud of them? Or do they just need an Act of Service… put your feet up and let me pour you a glass of wine.

● Don’t be afraid to get specific. Some people find picking up on emotional cues trickier than others, that might be in their DNA, or it might just be because they’re super busy. So tell them in a really specific way what you need, but wrap it up in praise… for example; “I loved how you held my hand all the way through that movie last night, it made me feel so secure and happy.” Or “I know how much you value us spending quality time together so shall we clear our diaries for the weekend and do something really fun together?”

● Remember that although we don’t want to abandon our own needs or neglect those of our partner, compromise is absolutely key to relationship success. According to Relationship Therapist Emma Gill, that might mean pushing yourself out of your comfort zone a little. If PDA’s aren’t your thing but your partner really craves that, you both may have to work to meet in the middle.

● Know that you don’t have to necessarily speak the same love languages for your relationship to thrive. There are so many components to a happy relationship: trust, loyalty, a shared sense of humour, shared dreams and shared values. If you are compatible on all of those fronts, the chances are with that open communication and a healthy amount of effort on both parts, you’ll develop your very own love language which works for both of you.