Every year around about the middle of October; Christmas crosses my mind and I start to feel the first flutters of excitement. I am a huge Christmas fan. But with the excitement comes the stress doesn’t it?
Every 1st November (officially the start of Christmas as far as I’m concerned), I vow to myself that I am going to enjoy the lead-up to my favourite time of year. That I’m not going to let stress ruin the festive period. I’m going to be relaxed and carefree and happy. Like a Mom from the Disney Channel Christmas movies.
But inevitably by the 1st of December, my resolve has weakened and I’m feeling overwhelmed and frazzled and skint. It’s ramped up even more since becoming a single parent. The finance element is obviously huge, but so is the splitting of the kids’ time between their Dad’s house and mine. And as always, there’s just way way too much to fit in. Nativities, carol concerts, work Christmas nights out, kids Christmas parties, trips to the pantomime. I have to admit that I’m slightly relieved none of my three believe in the man in the red suit anymore, so I can strike ‘Visit to a grotto’ off my list.
In every year of my parenting career - and believe me it is a full-time career in itself, I have come down with a severe case of Christmas perfectionism. Throw in a heavy sprinkling of the guilt I feel due to the kids having to split their Christms across two houses, and you’ve got the perfect recipe for a neurotic mother.
I desperately want Christmas to be perfect for my boys. And in the past that has meant ‘Ideal Homes’ standard decor, an abundance of gifts for them which I simply cannot afford, and a December schedule to rival that of the big man himself.
But what does a perfect Christmas actually look like? When I think back to my childhood, I genuinely can’t remember a huge amount of details. I can’t remember a single gift, although I know there were many every year, despite my parents not having much disposable income. I don’t really remember the food, except that it was cooked with love and my Mum slaved away for hours on Christmas morning while my Dad got the fun part of playing with the toys with us.
I vaguely remember the decorations. Terrifyingly mismatched and tacky but we loved them. We loved the colours and the textures and the lights which always blew the electrics out. I remember nativity performances wearing a bed sheet with a hole cut out for the head and a bit of gold tinsel wrapped around my head for an angels halo. Before Instagram, the aesthetics of Christmas mattered so much less didn’t they? And this year I really, really want to keep that thought at the forefront of my mind.
Christmas is for us. Me and my boys. It’s not for the gram. We are not going to feature in an Ideal Homes Christmas Decor special or a Good Housekeeping Christmas Menu special. So, for want of a better word… I should just chillax should’t I?
What matters about Christmas is the feeling. Have you seen that Insta-Inspirational Quote in your news feed… ‘How Your Life Feels Is So Much More Important Than How It Looks’?
Well guess what? The same applies for Christmas.
I don’t remember many specifics about childhood Christmases, and neither will my kids. But I and they, will remember how it felt. So it’s finally dawned on me that what it must not feel, is super stressy!
This year I swear I’m going to focus on being in the moment. Putting my phone down and experiencing the twinkly lights and the festive smells and the smiles on my kids faces, rather than trying to plan, organise and capture them all.
I’m going to spend time rather than money wherever I can. Sure, there’ll be gifts and expense but I’m not going to go overboard financially because I feel guilty that my kids don’t have the perfect 2.4 children picture perfect family set-up for Christmas. I am enough. Our home is enough. What they’ll open on Christmas morning will be enough. And how lucky am I to be able to say that?
I’m going to snuggle up on the sofa with them watching Christmas movies without it even crossing my mind that we should’ve had matching Christmas pyjamas. Life’s too short guys!
Another thing which it’s taken me a couple of years post-separation to realise; is that my mood sets the tone for the mood of the whole house. It just does. So if I can keep my cool this Christmas it’ll mean the kids feel calmer and behaviour will be better.
I’ve worked out the pattern now. If I’m stressed (and Christmas is loaded with opportunities to get stressed), the kids pick up on my stress, they get stressed, and in no time at all we’re all screaming at each other and the house is more reminiscent of Kevin’s family in ‘Home Alone’ than I care to admit.
The key to reducing stress at Christmas is I think as simple (and as tricky) as brutal prioritisation. I heard a brilliant idea on the Motherkind podcast a while ago about how women can reduce their maternal load; ie-the insane amount of tasks and chores it takes to keep a family functioning day in, day out.
The idea was to write a DDD list. A Do, Ditch or Delegate list. It’s something which works fantastically at any time of year but at Christmas it’s probably even more important.
So; the things I actually want to do:
Spend time with my kids and my partner and my family doing festive, lovely stuff.
Catch up with friends I haven’t seen for a while.
Consume lovely calorific food and drinks without worrying about my weight.
The things I’m going to ditch:
Christmas cards - just why oh why oh why are they even a thing any more?
Adult gifts (more on that in a follow up article…).
Curated decorations, designed to impress other stressed time-poor women.
The things I’m going to delegate:
Food shopping - I’ve got myself a very hot boyfriend and it’s about time he earned his Christmas pudding
Drinks parties - I’m attending other peoples’, taking lovely bottles of fizz, rather than throwing my own (which would involve you know, needing to clean the house)
Wrapping - I’ve heard there’s an actual service. Like an actual person you can hire to come round and wrap your gifts. And if that’s not money well-spent, then I really don’t know what is!
So there you go; some thoughts and tips on how to actually enjoy the most wonderful time of the year. I hope this piece gave you that pre-Christmas tingle of excitement… Now repeat after me:
It’s more important how my Christmas feels than how it looks.
// Sarah Lawton
Comments