I feel like I start so many of my articles with the phrase “I am by no means an expert on this but…”
And no; I’m not a therapist, or a psychologist. I’m just a Mum.
I’m a Mum who had to tell my kids when they were just 5, 9 and 11, that I was splitting up with their Dad. It was one of the hardest experiences of my life.
We spend our entire parenting journey desperately trying not to inflict pain on our children, trying to protect them from anything hurtful. And yet here I was, causing them unbearable pain because of a decision which I had made.
The guilt could easily have been overwhelming. I could easily have lost my nerve. But I knew in my bones the importance of having that conversation when I did, in the way I did.
If you’re facing the same thing, here are my top tips. Non-expert, tried and tested, from the heart.
● If you have more than one child; tell them separately
If at all possible, break the news with your partner. Plan who is going to take the lead and how you might structure the conversation.
My parents came over and took our boys out to the beach on a beautiful sunny day. And one at a time, they brought them back for us to deliver the news. I’ll never forget the sheer dread I had before our eldest came into the room, knowing something was up, thinking he was about to be told off.
I honestly think telling them separately is hugely important. It allows them space to have their own reaction without being affected by a sibling's reaction, and it allows them to have your undivided attention to ask all the questions and express all the big feelings which are undoubtedly going to hit them. I am almost certain that if we had told them together, my eldest would’ve held in his feelings in order to protect his younger brothers. And it was so important to me that they had the space to absorb the information for themselves individually.
● Be as honest as you can, in an age appropriate way
I’m a huge advocate of being honest with children, as long as they have the emotional maturity to process the information you’re giving them. Secrets and lies, even the ones which you might tell to protect them, have a habit of coming back and biting you on the bum. Hard.
It is a very hard thing to say to your children that Mum and Dad want to be friends (whether that happens or not is another story) but that they aren’t going to be a couple any more.
But once you’ve made that decision, it is so important to be crystal clear with your children. My middle son asked me if I loved his Dad and I had to say no. It was incredibly difficult, but I know that if I’d lied and said ‘yes of course’, he would’ve found the split so much harder to accept.
Younger children don’t need to know the details of any reasons why the marriage broke down, but be prepared for teenagers to want facts, and to potentially apportion blame. Lying to your children is hugely damaging to them in terms of them being able to build trust in adolescence and adulthood, both with you and their future partners and friends. As tough as it is sometimes to be honest, they will respect you for it.
● Don’t give false hope
I have heard so many times separating parents telling their children they’re going to ‘have some time apart’. Or that Daddy is ‘going to stay with friends for a while’. All of this fudging of the facts must be so confusing to children; especially younger ones who can’t read between the lines. To avoid giving false hope to children we have to drop the euphemisms. It is not fair to expect them to accept and process the separation if they’re left with any sliver of hope that perhaps this isn’t permanent and things may all go back to normal one day. There’s a cruelty in leaving them hanging like that.
We owe them our bravery and our honesty.
● Don’t bad mouth the other parent
Holy Moly this one is hard. Especially if it’s one parent’s decision more than the others. In an attempt to stop your child being angry with you, it’s easy to fall into the trap of blaming your ex. This is an inner battle which you may continue to have to fight with yourself as the months and years go by. Show me a separated parent who can say they’ve never badmouthed their ex to their kid and I’ll show you a liar!
We are all human. And at times yes, the mask will slip. Something will fly out of our mouth in anger and frustration. But as best you can, try to set out on this new phase in all your lives with the aim not to criticise or tell tales about each other.
As time goes by, children see their parents for what they truly are. That in itself can be painful for a child; to realise their parent isn’t quite what they’d hoped they would be, to realise they have been let down by them. And if/when that time comes, you will be far better placed to support them if you haven’t spent all the months and years beforehand calling your ex all the names under the sun.
● Give them time, and give them your time
Every child is going to deal with this news differently. And bear in mind that healing is by no means a linear process. They may seem absolutely fine the day you tell them the news, then suddenly be floored by it a week later. I made a conscious effort to observe my children in the days and weeks after to try and nip any worries or anxieties in the bud.
If you have a busy job it’s definitely worth taking a week off after the initial conversation, so that your children know you are there, present and available in those first few days. Their world has just shifted on it’s axis. They will naturally want to cling to you, even if they retreat and don’t show it.
Plan in their favourite activities, and if you and your ex are on good terms, try to plan in some time together with them too.
● Equip them with a support network
I think the best thing I did in terms of telling my kids was to first tell all of our close family and the parents of the boys’ best friends. My parents were on hand on the day itself, and my brother and sister in law came in the days that followed and spent lots of time with us, as did one of my closest friends who is a huge support to the boys to this day.
Having everyone around like that formed an emotional safety net for the kids. If they couldn’t talk to me or their Dad about how they were feeling, there were lots of other people whom they loved and trusted. There were no secrets and no ‘putting on a brave face’. We got it all out in the open in it’s ugliness and started the process of healing much quicker because of that. They were allowed to just get it all out, whether in tears, anger or unexpectedly; laughter.
I was so so touched when after I told the parents of the kids’ best friends; they all messaged to say they thought it would be nice to keep the boys off school together the following day (we had told them on a Sunday). That Monday was one of the loveliest days. My boys just bouncing away on the trampoline in the garden, playing footie and eating junk with their mates. I knew at that stage they would be OK; and I think they did too.
● Remember that this too shall pass
The guilt will be massive. The pain will be intense. There will be moments where you cannot believe what has happened to their little lives. When all you can do is hug them and cry with them and tell them you’re there for them always.
But believe me when I say to you; this is just a moment in time. Your separation does not need to mean your children grow up feeling insecure or unloved or bitter. You’re not breaking any new ground here OK? People have been separating since the dawn of time and yet, humanity has survived. As the child of a twice-divorced Mother, I can assure you; if they have love and security, be it from two households or one: your kids will be OK. We are all OK aren’t we?
The intensity of all these big feelings will dwindle as time passes, and a new normal emerges. Importantly; you will see qualities emerge in your children which may never have come to the fore had they stayed within the original family set-up. Maturity, resilience, kindness, empathy, compassion. These are all qualities I know were strengthened in my children because of the separation, rather than in spite of it.
// Sarah Lawton
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