Sleepless nights are forever on the horizon when a newborn is welcomed into a family. But for new mother Lily Collins, she’s also having to deal with a barrage of online abuse.
When the Emily in Paris star and her husband Charlie McDowell announced the birth of their baby daughter, Tove Jane, on Instagram recently, she divided the internet into a state of frenzy. Wishes of happiness and congratulations sat sandwiched between words of hate and severe judgement. Collins shared a photo of the beautiful newborn alongside a post filled with love, gratitude and honesty about how Tove came into the world; via surrogacy.
The online argument is predictably split, between those who are in favour of surrogacy and those who are against it. Amidst the many comments reading “So happy for you!” and “The most gorgeous name…” there is an equal amount of opposite feelings, “Wow, children buying. How very progressive.” When somebody wrote, “We have the world we deserve; we adopt dogs but we buy humans,” this was replied by another saying, “100% with you. Being a woman and reading these comments, I feel like my womb's just another item on the marketplace. What a time to be alive.”
It’s complicated to try and pinpoint exactly why this has sparked such intense controversy. An online feud aside from the main argument has questioned whether those who are offloading their distaste are mothers, because if they are, how could they not support another’s path to parenthood? One person wrote, “the audacity of someone who was able to have a pregnancy to say anything to a woman who couldn’t is WILD.”
The reasons for Lily Collins using a surrogate have not been revealed. Speculation has risen about her struggling with fertility because of her battles with bulimia, an illness she explained in detail in her 2017 memoir, Unfiltered: No Shame, No Regrets, Just Me. Her menstrual cycle stopped due to the disorder and she wrote, “I was terrified I had ruined my chances of having kids.” Other celebrities to welcome children via surrogacy include Nicole Kidman, Grimes and Sarah Jessica Parker, who - according to fertility experts - may not have had enough body fat to support regular ovulation. Some argued online that it was acceptable to use a surrogate if you aren’t able to naturally conceive, but not ok if the reasons were to keep your figure, help your career, or outsourcing a pregnancy because you can afford to. Rumours have suggested that Collins may have turned to surrogacy to avoid the physical effects of pregnancy.
Actress Lucy Liu had her son Rockwell in 2015 through gestational surrogacy, the same as Collins and her husband, where an embryo made from the intended parents ova and sperm is implanted in a surrogate. Aware of the opinions surrounding the choices she had made, Lui has said, “It just seemed like the right option for me because I was working and I didn’t know when I was going to be able to stop. I decided that was probably the best solution for me, and it turned out to be great.” She hoped this was a reminder that there are many paths to parenthood and it depends what is going to work for you and your family. Every case, just like every baby and every pregnancy, is unique.
The big question on many lips is that of the surrogate. What was her motive? If she wanted to offer her womb in a selfless way to help a childless couple’s dreams come true, surely all three parties should be left alone in their contentment. But for the vast majority of surrogates, the driving force is money. In many countries, surrogates are poverty-stricken women open to exploitation and paid to rent out their wombs. Still, we shouldn’t always assume this is the case and generalise this being the issue with every surrogacy case we hear about.
Instagram powerfully sells the unrealistic ease and perfection of parenthood. We’ve seen it all. Bright photos of stunning mothers laughing with their cute babies, tossing them into the air. The “hands on” dad, telling the world they change their fair share of nappies whilst sharing a post holding their precious babe, asleep in their strong arms. If you’ve ever wanted a baby, then social media has made it a trendy must-have. According to thousands of Instagram comments on @lilyjcollins many believe that Collins and McDowell have exploited their rich status by buying themselves a bundle of joy. In the same breath, more supportive posts hit back such as, “So I guess the ones who are criticising surrogacy actually never had fertility problems or any other health issues. Good for you. Keep living a good life and let the rest make their own decisions. Nobody cares about your criticism."
Baby Tove’s father, Charlie McDowell responded to this debate on his wife’s Instagram in the comments section by writing, “It’s ok to not know why someone might need a surrogate to have a child. It’s ok to not know the motivations of a surrogate regardless of what you assume. And it’s ok to spend less time spewing hateful words into the world, especially in regards to a beautiful baby girl who has brought a lot of love into people’s lives.” To which he was rightfully supported. What gives everybody a right to any further details?
But another burning question has come from many; why didn’t they just adopt?
Well, it’s not the duty of Lily Collins and Charlie McDowell to adopt. Whether they have struggled to conceive or not, it doesn’t fall on them - or any family - to adopt. Heartbreaking as it is that so many children are in desperate need of homes, it’s nobody’s particular responsibility to offer theirs. If Collins is being told she should adopt, then the question should also be turned onto you and me. Why aren’t we adopting? Is this raising an absurd argument that only fertile couples can be parents? Even if they’re terrible parents?
A raw nerve has been hit with this story. Heated conversations continue to rise about the average millennial or Gen Z woman not being able to afford children. Birth rates are plummeting. Hearing about rich celebs paying surrogates to have their babies could be causing resentment amongst the ordinary women for whom becoming a parent feels impossible financially. For a surrogate in the UK, expenses may be paid and nothing more, but in the US a surrogate can receive between £80,000 and £100,000 not to mention the added perks of a private chef and personal trainer. When the average family with babies and toddlers have to pay extortionate childcare fees just to hold down a job, the idea that a baby can be bought if the price is right can leave a bad taste in the mouth. But is there truth behind the thought that given the choice, plenty of women would opt for surrogacy if they had the cash? Particularly if it would support them with ongoing infertility struggles or reaching an age just past childbearing? Because let’s face it, men can be fathers into their 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond.
There is one clear outcome of this story though. Baby Tove is being showered with love. In this world, being loved should not be something we can afford to be cynical about. Maybe society just needs to wish her parents well because no path to parenthood is plain sailing. No matter how the baby came into this world, the journey ahead will no doubt be bumpy, just as it was - and always will be - for all parents.
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