Marrying Your Opposite

By Hayley Doyle

As Paula Abdul sings, ‘It’s a natural fact, we come together ‘cause opposites attract…’

How much truth is behind this lyric?

For starters, I am part of this club. I definitely married my opposite and yes, we’ve passed the 7-year itch. We’re heading towards our 9th wedding anniversary and have been together for 12 years in total. Did I know he was the one as soon as our eyes met across a crowded dance floor? Heck, no. In fact, I don’t even remember how we met (and neither does he, thank goodness). We were mates first, part of a big social expat circle who hung out at weekends to celebrate well, the weekend. I think we met at a house party…or a brunch… I remember us progressing from “just” mates to friendship via silly in-jokes and a mutual appreciation for 90s British telly. I also remember him being a bit of a shoulder to cry on when I’d been on a date that had ended badly. He was non-judgemental, caring and maybe somewhere in my subconscious I felt safe around him. He wasn’t, however, anywhere on my radar as someone I’d go on a date with. As much as I thought he was lovely, we were so completely opposite in our personalities that it just didn’t cross my mind…

…Until he went in for the kiss!

The rest is history. We’ve been together ever since. It’s safe to say that I broke my pattern of bad dates when my dear opposite took me by surprise. Maybe I’d been going for men too similar to me? To sum it up, I’m a massive chatterbox, the type that every single teacher mentioned in every single school report. My husband listens, observes. If he speaks, there is no fluff, no rubbish, no saying-stuff-for-the-sake-of-it. He’s cool with quiet. It’s never awkward for him. If I experience a second of silence, my anxiety goes wild and I overcompensate with sighs, giggles and improvised small-talk which I’m desperate to dress up as meaningful. He loves the Chemical Brothers whereas I indulge in Elaine Paige on Sunday. I hate cooking, something he’s got the perfect patience for, but he hates to wash up, and honestly, I’d take that over boiling rice any day (which I always burn, ruining many a pan).

But, so what?! We’re just one couple. Are we a one-off? A slight coincidence? Are we just putting up with one another’s weird traits? Or are we true magnets? Well, Hollywood megastar George Clooney married Amal Clooney, a highly accomplished human rights lawyer known for her intellect and poise. He is charismatic and goofy, whereas she is more elegant and serious. And what about the very bubbly and outspoken Chrissy Teigen? She is married to John Legend, a more reserved and introspective musician. Their contrasting personalities have been highlighted in interviews and social media posts, showing a dynamic where they complement each other.

A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships by Markey and Markey found that aloof or standoffish husbands were less satisfied when their wives were also aloof. These men preferred their partners to be warm on the affiliation scale. Wives on the “colder” end of the affiliation scale also preferred warm partners. In some cases, people with different personalities, interests, or backgrounds may be drawn to each other because they find the differences intriguing or complementary. These differences can bring balance to a relationship and help partners learn from each other. I always encourage my husband to talk about stuff he’s bottling up inside, whereas he helps me to take a step back, pause and reflect.

Psychologist Dr. Leslie Beth Wish states, the formula for a healthy and happy couple is “common values and ethics.” Sure, one half of a couple might be outgoing and the other half more introverted, but shared values, goals, and beliefs creates a strong foundation for a partnership. It shouldn’t matter if you like a vindaloo and your partner always orders the korma. If you share the same ideas on how to bring up a family or how to treat others respectively, you’ll find it easier to navigate through life together.

When things became serious between my husband and I, when the first dates turned into joint food shops and we went to Ikea to buy a small set of drawers for my stuff at his apartment, some old friends were unsure if I’d met my match. My previous partner had been the life of the party and as a couple we’d thrown some wild ones together. When we worked, we were electric, but being similar socially, we fought for attention and I’d often lose, feeling lost in his shadow. Our vision for the future did not align. Our values were worlds apart. But in the moment, we were always on the same page. So, it was surprising to see me in a new relationship, attracted to my opposite. It soon became clear, however, that my new partner allowed me to shine, supporting my dreams without interference. He was the calm to my storm, and still is. We balance each other out. I’ve become good at reading him, sensing when he needs to offload and getting him to open up.

Marrying your opposite doesn’t come without challenges though. We have such different communication styles that we can clash. Whilst I can be over-expressive, I often get frustrated and remind him that I cannot read his mind, if he’s choosing to be reflective. Whilst it’s good to have divergent interests and hobbies, it can feel isolating if I’m crying my eyes out during an emotional movie we’re watching together and he’s disconnected to check the BBC sports news. At times, he is definitely looking at me with utter confusion, baffled by my reactions. On the other hand, I am screaming, why don’t you get it? What is so hard to understand?! But we are on this journey together, and every day, we can make the choice to grow and learn from each other, or not. The latter is only going to tear you apart, and if that’s not what you want, then you have to compromise, or at least understand. Last year, I wrote a piece for Raemona about hating camping…which actually upset my husband. He knew I wasn’t that into camping, but hate? Really? He had always envisioned us taking our kids camping and owning our own tent. So, I have decided to suck it up this summer. I’ll be willing and openminded, as long as he is in charge of getting all the equipment and packing up the car! Watch this space.

So, have I changed by marrying my opposite? Am I more calm? Yes, in certain situations. Have I learnt to be less impatient? Well, we have two kids together and since they came along, they’ve brought a whole new meaning to the word, patience. But overall, no, I don’t think I have changed. If anything, I have stayed more true to myself because he accepts me for who I am. We have both certainly matured. Grown. But we’ve grown together, not apart.