Mixed Weight Couple : An Unnecessary Label

Love it or hate it, if there’s one show that gets people talking, it’s Bridgerton. Lately, the romance between Penelope Featherington (played by Nicola Coughlan) and Colin Bridgerton (played by Luke Newton), has received a heated backlash online with comments branding the romance “unrealistic” because Colin is thin and Penelope is not.

But I’m not here to talk about Bridgerton. Or the actors playing these roles. It’s the label I find outrageous; mixed-weight. To comment on anyone’s body shape should be a hard no-go and yet, even now, after the so-called Body Positivity Movement, it still causes controversy when couples don’t adhere to old-fashioned Hollywood ideals. It makes a mockery of all the self-love out there, all the celebrating uniqueness, and reminds us that actually, we’re still as brainwashed as ever.

When I heard this label recently, I confess I’d never heard it before. I had, however, heard conversations surrounding heterosexual couples specifically, where the woman is larger than her male partner. The comments were more often than not, sadly, narrow-minded and derogatory. To research mixed-weight couples as a term, a quick google brought up hundreds of images of plus-size women and slim men. What about the other way around though? Where were all the plus-size men with the slim women? Why is this only about a woman’s weight and shape? Because we’ve certainly been exposed to big men having slender wives, haven’t we? Homer and Marge Simpson spring to mind. What about Tony and Carmela Soprano? And let’s not forget Jack Black’s character in The Holiday who manages to score with both Shannyn Sossaman AND Kate Winslet.

Then it occurred to me, that if we buy into these ridiculous labels, it means that I am in a mixed-weight relationship. The thought of this felt horrifying. And why? Because it feels like an insult, in how it’s splashed all over the media. On the scales, my husband is heavier than me, because he is taller and broader. But I am certainly more round. If we were to conform to how a couple “should” look by Hollywood standards, and unfortunately, a standard that too many hold in high regard, then I’d need to be stretched out. Would it more acceptable if my husband were married to a taller, more athletic looking woman? Are people eye-rolling behind our backs and thinking, “ooh, mixed-weight couple there…” I hope not. Not that it should matter what people think. But for every apparent mixed-weight couple that has come forward since this Bridgerton debate and spoke out with endless positivity about their relationship, it’s only an attempt to counteract the majority that think it’s wrong.

What an awful, shallow world we still live in.

A few years ago, it seemed like there was finally a shift in the obsession with being thin. But I was in an echo chamber. I’d been following body positivity influencers shouting loud and clear. I devoured Alex Light’s content and couldn’t believe how wonderful it was to see her fighting for a change in mindset every day (and she still does, she’s incredible). Not only was she fearlessly pointing out the cruelty and bullying in the media towards women’s bodies, but her natural beauty radiated as she modelled great outfits for all occasions with her gorgeous body which refreshingly wasn’t a size 0. I stopped thinking about every calorie. After years of enduring WeightWatchers diets, I’d found it hard to look at food without seeing how many points it was worth in my mind. But this started to disappear, slowly. I changed my language around food, no longer saying I’d been “naughty” if I ate a chocolate bar and called people out who said, “I’m being good,” when they refused any kind of food that could be seen as a treat. Or a carb. I felt like I’d finally accepted my body - still had a moan now and then - but I liked who I was. I’m not the biggest fan of social media but certain influencers were definitely doing their job. I was being influenced, in the right way.

As someone who has always had curves and genetics of big busts, I’d always felt like my body shape was wrong. Being a dancer didn’t help; I got TOLD that my body shape was wrong, often. But I loved to dance, it was all I wanted to do…and honestly, my passion dwindled when I couldn’t take the discrimination any longer. The mirrors were a constant comparison to others, as were certain teachers’ comments, especially at dance college. I was forced into wearing costumes that didn’t suit my shape, making me uncomfortable on stage. I never had a supportive bra. Decent, well-designed sports bras for larger cups only became mainstream about a decade ago and they still cost a lot more than the brands that only make smaller cups. I still shop at specialist bra shops because it’s impossible to get the right size on the high street. Still, I hit my 40s and started to embrace who I was. A long time coming.

Until recently.

For a while, those negative thoughts about my body have crept their way back into my life. I’ll see a photo and cringe. I fear the change of season or packing for a holiday in case clothes don’t fit well this year. Maybe I’ve started to realise that fantasising about having the “perfect body” one day won’t ever happen because I am who I am. There is no perfect body, however much it’s pushed in our face. I’ve noticed the Body Confidence Movement not progressing. It’s there, it’s present, and it’s still creating meaningful conversations, but it’s always overshadowed by the win of the thin. We just cannot undo a lifetime of indoctrination.

Hannah Fuhlendorf is a therapist and longtime activist against fat-phobia, and presented with the subject of mixed-weight couples, she says it’s not something new, that it’s always happened, but it was pretty much shrouded and hidden in the past. It’s less novel nowadays, less unusual, partly due to visibility and social media, but it’s still not seen as normal. Fuhlendorf thinks that this particular debate is unfolding amongst the social circles of the person in the smaller body where they may be experiencing, “confusion or disappointment.” She adds, “Essentially, the people in their social world will assume that they are 'settling' or make these sort of negative connotations about what it means for the person's own self-image. It can be hard for [others] to believe that someone would genuinely fall in love with a fat person and willingly choose that because that is the relationship that they want.”

I hope the big efforts of body positivity activists keep going strong and are not wasted, but gosh, how we still have a long way to go. There should be zero tolerance on conversations surrounding mixed-weight, or any weight. A couple are a couple, and that is that. Yet again, we now have another label tattooed on our minds, telling us what we should or shouldn’t be. Thanks Media. Thanks Socials. You’re doing a stellar job of making us all feel worthless, when in fact, we are worth the world.