Sweet Bobby // The Psychology of Catfishing

OK so if you, like me, devoured the catfishing documentary Sweet Bobby on Netflix with your jaw on the floor, we need to address the elephant in the room…

Whilst we all have a huge amount of sympathy for Kirat and the hell she was subjected to; I’m just going to ask the question I know is on every viewers lips:

How the hell could she be so stupid?

I think before we attempt to answer that (possibly harsh) question, we need to give ourselves a brief reminder of how Kirat’s story played out.

The deception began in 2009 when she started talking to a man on Facebook via a friend of a friend. That ‘man’ was Bobby. And little did she know ‘meeting’ him online was going to take over and eventually ruin her whole life.

At the time Kirat was a successful Marketing Manager and also presented a radio show on a Punjabi radio station. She had a busy social life, was popular, well loved and seemingly living life to the full.

For reasons still not known, an incredible web of lies was spun by Kirat’s female cousin Simran. Over the course of almost ten years, and involving a cast of approximately 60 characters; all of whom existed entirely online, Simran proceeded to completely destroy Kirat’s life and sanity. For the latter part of the heist, Kirat believed she was about to marry Bobby, without ever having met him.

Detectives who have examined the case have said it was a deception like none they’d seen before. So sophisticated was the plotline, that Kirat’s family also believed they had been speaking to Bobby for many years and that he was definitely going to become their son-in-law.

Watching the Netflix series and then subsequently listening to the podcast, I became fascinated by the psychology of catfishing. What’s in it for the perpetrator and what vulnerabilities did the victims have for this to happen to them in the first place?

Catfishing is not a new phenomenon. It’s been happening since the advent of social media on platforms like MySpace. You’d think in a world where we can all become detectives with the help of a search engine, it would be easy to find out if you were being conned, but catfishes are often highly intelligent individuals with huge digital intelligence, and they also tend to prey on people who they see as weak and vulnerable.

But what’s in it for the catfish? I’m sure like me, watching Sweet Bobby, the thought will have crossed your mind that you simply can’t understand how Simran had the hours in the day to play 60 characters and keep up with the incessant messaging across so many different platforms. I mean; how did she have time to eat!?

Obviously a lot of catfish are your bog standard ‘love rat’. They’re doing it for financial gain. These are often, but not always, males who target lonely older women on social media platforms such as Facebook.

It’s not always about money though. It wasn’t for Simran.

A recent study out of Federation University, Australia, found that catfishing was also borne out of psycopathy, narcissism and sadism; a true desire to hurt, humiliate and destroy their victim.

Other research shows that catfish tend to be lonely, have fewer social connections and often want to explore their identity or sexuality behind the mask of being someone else.

There was also evidence to suggest that some of the respondents had catfished whist experiencing a bout of mental illness, and others had done it out of revenge for a perceived wrong by a former friend or partner.

The study of 700 people was of course self-reported, and we are relying on them to tell the truth for the data to be accurate. The researchers note that this could have led to a bias, since by their nature catfish have the capacity to be very untruthful and manipulative.

I don’t think it’s surprising that there is a tendency for catfish to be lonely and socially isolated; after all if they were busy living their ‘real life’ I’m guessing they’d be far less likely to have the time to concoct these scams. But is there a typical victim? And what facets of their personality allow them to be so overwhelmingly taken in by theses seemingly wild deceptions.

There are several theories as to why some people are more likely to continue with an intense digital relationship without questioning its validity. One such theory is that individuals with avoidant attachment issues might struggle to make romantic bonds in real life and so there is an element of safety in having a partner at a distance.

Conversely, a study published in 2020 in ‘Sexual and Relationship Theory’ found that respondents with an anxious attachment style (one that might present as clingyness in real life) were more likely to become victims of catfishing.

The study of over 1000 people also found that victims were more likely to have had high levels of loneliness and low levels of openness, meaning that they craved a relationship but didn’t have the emotional intelligence to connect fully. Online romances were then perfectly poised to swoop in and fill the void. The victims low levels of self esteem discouraged them from questioning anything which they felt was a little ‘off’.

So, to the most important question: How do we go about avoiding the catfish? Especially if we’re online dating, which so many people now are?

I did a trawl of lots of relevant sites, from dating apps to charities to education institutions. These are the tips that come up time and time again…

1 - Be curious and a little suspicious. If something in your gut feels not right about what someone is saying to you, you have nothing to lose by questioning them further. Think about the advice you’d give a friend, and follow that.

2 - Do not give out personal or financial information. That’s just a flat no. No passwords, no addresses, nothing. Nada nada nada. And while you’re at it, change your privacy settings on social media so they’re not able to find things out which you wouldn’t choose to reveal.

3 - Arrange to meet in a public place. After you’ve been chatting for enough time online that you feel ready and keen to meet the person, make sure it’s in a safe space and that someone who loves you know where you are going and how to contact you.

4 - Do your due diligence. Just as you’d google the hell out of an employer before you started working for them, you need to approach a relationship the same way. Look into their social media profiles, work history etc.

5 - If you’re speaking to someone in another part of the country or indeed another country entirely, insist that you communicate over video call. If they refuse or make excuses that should be a huge sign to you that they are not who they say they are.

6 - Talk to someone. A trusted friend or family member might be able to look at the situation objectively when you are in too deep to do so.Don’t feel foolish; it’s never too late to put a stop to something before it spirals out of control.

// Sarah Lawton