My Mum fell pregnant with me when she was only 18.
Fell pregnant.
Fell.
It sounds like she tripped over a wonky pavement slab and found herself with child.
It’s a euphemism isn’t it? Because it’s too awkward to say she got carried away and had unprotected sex with a handsome but unsuitable boy, which resulted in a baby nine months later.
And that little euphemism is a good example of all that is wrong about how we talk to our children, and more specifically our teenagers, about sex.
Even though it’s a vital conversation to have in order to keep them physically and emotionally secure, so many of us feel incredibly awkward broaching the subject of safe sex.
Centuries of cultural and religious judgement have told us that sex is something to be embarrassed about. And whether we like it or not, our openness (or lack of) towards discussions about sex, will influence our kids attitudes, thoughts and feelings on the subject.
For me as a mother of three boys, one rapidly approaching that age; it’s something I can’t bury my head about for much longer. I need to put on my big girl pants, forget about the birds and the bees and talk to my son in real language that he understands. I want to be able to talk to him in a way that means he feels comfortable, relaxed and knowing that the door is always open for him to tell me anything. Well, almost… no mother wants details do they..?
So, why have I been putting it off? Like lots of my peers are with their kids. What are we actually frightened of?
Well, I guess we feel ill-equipped. Sex education when we were kids was woeful. I vaguely remember a biology teacher showing us a video of how to put a condom on… a cucumber. Seriously. I also remember the Religious Education teacher telling us we’d go to hell if we had an abortion. The whole thing was just a big mess of embarrassment, shame and fear. Maybe there’s also the element that sex and sexuality and gender is a whole different ball game to when we set out on that part of our lives. I’ve actually worried that I’ll sound really old-fashioned and out of touch speaking about this subject with kids who are growing up in a very different world where thankfully most cultures are becoming more accepting of things which are less hetero-normative.
Whatever the reasons I feel reticent, the stats on teen pregnancy and teens contracting STD’s take no prisoners. Although rates of teen pregnancy in the UK have decreased drastically over the past 15 years, there are still in the region of 13,000 babies born to mothers under the age of 18 each year. The outcomes for theses babies, and their mothers, are far poorer than that of a baby born to an older woman. They are more likely to live in poverty and have lower educational achievements. For the young mums, they are three times more likely to raise the child alone and twice as likely to experience mental health problems.
Even if you take pregnancy out of the equation, the subject of having safe sex is something we as parents cannot afford to overlook. In the UK half of all STD’s are contracted by 15-24 year olds, with a case of chlamydia or gonorrhoea being diagnosed every 4 minutes in a young person. Although most STD’s are far more treatable than in years gone by, there’s still the risk of major long-term health issues and infertility.
So, if you, like me, would rather rub wasabi in your eyeballs than start a conversation with your teenager about that… read on for four expert tips.
A disclaimer: I am not the expert, these are not my tips. I’ve done the research and these are the four which I think I could potentially employ without my kid telling me I’m ‘so cringe’ and sloping out of the room back into his bedroom for all eternity.
● Do not switch channels!
We’ve all been there. Something sexual comes on the TV when we’re with our parents and we want the ground to swallow us up. It’s a tale as old as time. But as awkward as it might feel; if that happens with your teenager, try to use it as an opportunity to talk. The charity Family Lives says it’s so important not to turn the channel over and show you’re embarrassed, as that can compound any feelings of shame or worry about sex your child may already be feeling.
Make it lighthearted, acknowledge that it’s a funny situation, tell them about a time you had to watch a sex scene with your Mum! But then use it as an opportunity to talk. Ask if they’ve had any sex education lessons at school yet? What have they learned? Do they have any questions they didn’t want to ask the teacher that you could try to answer for them?
● Drop the judgement
We’re all the result of our upbringings aren’t we? And whether we like it or not some of the prejudices of our grandparents and parents will have planted themselves in the far reaches of our brains. Whether they’re religious, cultural or based entirely on gender, it’s our job as parents to drop any judgement and talk to our kids openly about sex from where they are and what they’re experiencing. Remembering our main aims are to keep them physically and psychologically safe is vital. Getting them to take on board our belief systems or ideologies isn’t.
Clinical psychologist Dr Abigail San says that dropping the judgement is key to your child feeling they can approach you saying, “It’s really important not to invalidate their feelings and experiences by being too pushy about your own.”
● Talk about it in the third person
I love this tip as I think it’s one we naturally employ when we want to raise a difficult subject or get somebody thinking about something. Rather than talking to your child about them directly, start a conversation with your child about someone else. Perhaps a friend or family member - I might well use my Mum! What happened to them? What if anything could they have done differently?
It opens up the conversation without any risk of it feeling accusatory towards your child. You could even use a character from a TV show or book as a starting point.
● Start talking young, especially about consent
This one resonates so much with me as the Mum of three boys. And I’m pleased to say I’m ahead of the game with this one since I’ve been talking about consent, both surreptitiously and directly, since the boys were so young. I have instilled in them the importance of listening to their partner and never ever putting someone in a position where they might feel pressured and uncomfortable. My middle boy once floored me with his response when we were having a discussion on consent. He said “So really you’re just asking me to be a kind, decent person. It’s not hard Mum.”. Well yeah, in a nutshell son.
The NSPCC advises that from a young age parents talk to their children about their own boundaries and what they feel comfortable with, ensuring they feel empowered enough to say no to any situation or physical contact that they don’t want, whether that be a hug from a family friend or sitting on a relatives knee. Their boundaries are their boundaries.
All parent-child relationships are unique and it’s important to remember that a one-size fits all approach won’t work. Do and say what feels natural for you and your child. That might mean carving time out for a walk just the two of you, but it could just as well mean that you have a conversation over a loud dinner table with the siblings chipping in their thoughts too. The most important thing is that you have the chat, check their knowledge and confidence around the subject… remember what your own Mum told you: it’s better to be safe than sorry!
// Sarah Lawton