When I had a miscarriage

We got pregnant by accident. Whoops, how did that happen?

It’s not that we didn’t want children. We just said to ourselves ‘not right now’. It was the Covid year of 2020. I was working in a contract role at that time and my husband was still looking for a new job. It didn’t feel practical, nor safe at that time.

But then there we jolly well were! The little pee stick telling us we’re pregnant!

I had felt a bit unusual for a week or so. Tired, hungry and weepy. Though I still remember us being in utter shock as we read out the result. Weirdly, I sort of knew the test was going to confirm me being pregnant. Still, it felt surreal.

But good surreal. Like the universe had delivered us a little gift. One which we weren’t expecting, yet it felt like perhaps we were meant to be parents and despite what we’d been thinking, this was in fact, our time.

All our friends were getting pregnant too (remember 2020?) and so we felt like we’d been called to join ‘the family club’. Finally, it was our moment to share the fun of having a little one to run around and make friends with the other kids we knew and loved.

Beyond quickly my husband and I adapted to the idea of becoming parents. All the little things I thought I would dislike about being pregnant, I actually quite liked! I was happy staying in! And if we did go out, instead of being the party girl and the last one standing, I would quietly and calmly enjoy everyone else’s fun and happily go home at a reasonable time. I was exhausted anyway!

“I’ve grown up at last”. Is what I thought.

What I hadn’t quite realised at that time, was that I had taken on my new identity. My identity as a ‘mum’. The carer of another person.

Not only was my body busy making another little human, but I was also getting ready to take care of that little being for many years to come.

I unexpectedly realised what a great mum I was going to make. I say this without any arrogance nor sarcasm. Really!

Suddenly I knew that all the childhood challenges and adversity I’d gone through had prepared me for this very moment. This brand-new role I was so ready to take on.

My husband and I talked about ‘a boy or a girl’. We shared name ideas – the list was long! We even talked about what kind of parents we would make. He was the one who would give in easily and spoil our child. I was the stricter one, naturally.

And then one day, weeks later. Really, just like that, it was all gone.

Hands-down, this was one of the most abruptly, gut-wrenching changes I had ever experienced. I, of course, knew the percentage rates of miscarriage in the first trimester. I knew it could happen to us for sure. But I wasn’t prepared for the feeling of utter disappointment, anguish and confusion that would lie in that moment and the weeks, even months to come.

I had already assumed the position of ‘mum’. 

Not only was I looking forward to being a mother, but I was also already there. In my head, I was totally and utterly a mum.

Then suddenly, no more.

So, why am I sharing this explanation of this sad event with you?

A staggering 43% of women reported experiencing one or more miscarriages. Of these 27% reported having had one, 10% had two, and 4% experienced three.

That’s a huge number of women who go through not just the physical trauma of this experience; yet also the psychological shift in identity when this happens. Many of them endure this feeling more than once.

There’s no warning, no time to get used to it. One minute you are in preparation for parenting, the next, you are not. Instead replaced with a feeling of utter despair. You try to look positively, but the future isn’t what it was going to be. There is also no going back to the person you once were. And so, we are left thinking how to move forward?

I chose to speak with my employer the day after and I was honest about what had happened. There was sympathy, I took a day off as leave. However, when I look back (and without finger pointing, nor blame), I realise that the workplace doesn’t have much in place to support the large number women who experience miscarriage.

So, what can be considered?

Support and understanding during this period:

Dealing with the suddenness of the situation is incomprehensible. In addition to this, there is also a mixed state which follows. For some who feel they cannot share what has happened or perhaps no one knew they were pregnant, life appears like it should go on, yet all the while those individuals are quietly suffering. For those who open up, the feeling itself does not get easier.

Enabling managers to facilitate an open culture, check-ins, gradual return to work, remote work where needed and a reminder of the wellbeing benefits available for someone to talk to, are all potential ways of helping women back to the workplace with stability.

This is a gradual process which comes with a multitude of mixed emotions. No day is the same as the last.

Longer-term support:

For some this is just the start of a long fertility journey. There may be other miscarriages, which sometimes come with differing emotions. Discussion and investigation into fertility treatments, difficult decisions. Even those who go on to have healthy babies will tell you of the worry associated with that pregnancy post a miscarriage. Every step of this journey questioning whether becoming a mum is still even possible.

Managers should be equipped to handle conversations and to offer support in the workplace. HR teams play their role in ensuring this takes place. They can offer regular support and guidance as referred to above, and what is available on the company medical scheme.

Female networks at work can also be established giving individuals the platform to share and to seek solace.

It is not by any means, a pain anybody can take away - yet openness, awareness and support can be enough to help someone to begin to heal.

And finally, if you are going or have gone through this pain, then I ask you to please not lose yourself as part of this. All too easily, what we feel unjustly is our failure, or the lack of being able to conceive can consume us.

If this speaks to you right now, then I assure you that this does not stop you for being the incredible person you are and have always been.

Seeking therapy and healing on your journey as early as possible is an absolute must. You are grieving and need help in allowing yourself to grieve.

Finally take care of your mind and your body. Take walks and write down how you are feeling if you can, this can really help.

Sending the upmost love and care to you.

By Carina Harvey - Personal Identity Coach