I’ve watched with interest, and some sadness, the media coverage of Blake Lively over the past six or so months.
As is so often the case with people in public life, the spectacle of knocking them down to size after we’ve built them up, feels almost inevitable. And Blake was a prime candidate; she’s too naturally beautiful, too wholesome, too talented. And then she has the nerve to look disgustingly happy with her perfect movie star husband, goofing about, having babies, donating vast amounts of money to causes close to their hearts, campaigning for various charities and generally just seeming like suspiciously good people.
The tide appears to have very much changed when it comes to public opinion of Blake… and I’m not sure why it bothers me so much. I mean; I don’t know her, she’s not my mate, our lives are as poles apart as they possibly could be. I think what bothers me about the reports about her character is the fact that I may, just may, have got her wrong. And that can feel disappointing can’t it? I so wanted her to be a girl’s girl. I wanted there to be no Instagram vs Reality. I wanted her whole public persona to be reflective of her true character. And that’s because I put women who are good to other women, as Blake had previously been famed for, on the highest of pedestals.
The term girl’s girl sounds a little bit Sweet Valley High doesn’t it? A bit twee… but it’s so much more than that. To be a girl’s girl means solidarity and sisterhood, trustworthiness and kindness. It means you’re a cheerleader, someone who always encourages their friends and feels proud of them, singing their praises in rooms they’re not in. It means you’re a crown straightener, someone who makes other women feel more confident about themselves, who empower and lift them up. It means being a hype woman; in a world where lots of women feel it would be too mouthy or braggy to show off about their own achievements, a girl’s girl will do it for you. And that goes way beyond sharing your friends’ new business on social media; it’s a deep-rooted knowledge which some women have; that pulling another girl down so you can step up, is never a good move.
At the risk of sounding like a mean girl myself; I’ve always been suspicious and wary of women who don’t have strong female friendships. There have been a couple of instances where I have met someone, often in the work environment who has said they don’t value female friendships and tend to get on better with men…
Let’s just say I approach them with caution.
Whilst men are fabulous and I have some (OK one) very important male friendship in my life; they cannot replace the strength that comes from female friendships, nourished and nurtured over time. The physical and psychological benefits of female friendships is undeniable. Research shows that women with strong female friendships have better mental health, better coping strategies in times of stress and feel more positive about their futures.
That’s not to say that female friendships don’t come without their complications of course. Our closeness can cause us to become more reliant on our friends than males would, therefore exposing our friendships to bigger vulnerabilities than we would if they were less intense.
Author Danielle Bayard Jackson who has researched female friendships extensively states that there are three s’s which make for a great female friendship. When I read these three s’s I thought about every typical girl’s girl/crown straightener/hype woman I know, and realised they all embodied these three things for me:
The first is support. Emotional support is pretty much the main reason most female friendships survive and thrive. Sure; we’ve got to think they’re so funny we occasionally snort our wine out of our nose in a fit of hysterical laughter; but what really matters is that we know when the chips are down; she has our back.
The second is symmetry. I’d never considered this one before but it’s so important. A true friend will mirror lots of the things that matter most to you. That might be your history, but it’s also likely to be your values and morals. It’s the feeling of reciprocity in a friendship, that you not only receive, but you also give.
Finally; there’s secrecy. And this one is so important. It’s not just in the keeping of secrets, although trust is of course a huge thing. But it’s more about the generosity of the sharing of those innermost thoughts and feelings, knowing you’re giving them to a safe space.
Time will tell whether Blake Lively’s reputation can withstand the storm she’s currently in; I still hold out hope we’re going to find out she’s a good egg after all. However it progresses, all storms are easier to weather if you’re surrounded by some great women to lean on. If you have people who you know will stand by your side even when you’re less likeable than usual. Who see your flaws and love you regardless. In the words of Walter Winchell, “A true friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.”
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